college essay

No problem.

 

I played ball with a few guys from Canton in college.

 

There are a few grammar mistakes. "He knew more than anyone had ever talked to about fish" is one, but I'm not really good with grammar, so I can't really point out the harder ones. I'd take it to some one that you feel is good with grammar. I would try to add a few more details in each part to give the reader more of a feeling for each individual experience. I am not very good at writing, but most of the time I've been told it's very important to make your opening statement or thesis statement in the beginning (yours is about passion correct?) and then a conclusion at the end. I'm just a little unclear on what the conclusion of this is? is it that passion can have two sides? I like the story, but I think I would try to make the journey that you are taking your reader on a little more clear, and I'd try to give the reader a little more detail of each moment so that they can feel a little more like they are there with you when it's happening.

 

i wanted to add more to the essay but it has a 1000 word limit and im at 965 i think.

did any of the people you played with go to hoover highschool?

 

Introduction--
Hook--(something to hook your reader)
Thesis statement--(slap 'em in the face with what you are stating)
Supporting evidence 1--
Supporting evidence 2--
Supporting evidence 3--
and
The conclusion-- (This is going to tie back int your introduction and thesis statement)

I have been told not to do anything other than this for a collage paper unless specificly asked to.