Great quotes

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but
fine up against a wall".
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.I have
since been visited by her sister .. and now wish to withdraw
that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing.It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink .. and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if
it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid
you.
~Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But ... everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown


Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you
are not a hypochondriac.
~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
~Unknown

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Unknown

 

Out of all that funny stuff these are my favs.

 

Heres another one for you JohnO:
"Common sense is none to common"
Author Unknown

 

Bye the way thanks for all the qoutes I really enjoyed them !

 

Here are some qoutes sent to me by a friend:
To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all about?
Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
My reality check bounced.
Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

 

the early bird gets the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese

 

a fella once told me "you can be anything you want to if you just believe in yourself"...
he believed himself right into a job at the local insurance agency.

 

The early bird may get the worm but the early worm gets the bird!

 

not sure what you mean by that could you elaborate? I mean, spell it out for me... did you mean the early worm gets the chick?

 

If your hung like a horse, you dont need Beamers to pickup chicks

Highlight the sentence to see the word, i dont want to disrespect anyone