Some thoughts from a retired mind

Some thoughts from a retired mind ... ponder on some of these:

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford
one, so, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people who avoided me just didn't like me.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands
on beer cans, and men should put pictures of their missing wives up at the
mall!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you
still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call
it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease: That's when your
chest is falling into your drawers!

I've come to realize that the secret to a happy life is not looking
like Barbie or Ken and suffering through tofu and rice cakes to stay that
way! It's eating chocolate, staying chunky and explain that you're really
a perfect size 6, but you keep it covered with fat so it doesn't get
scratched!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh,
have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for Visitor's!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in
case of an emergency' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why is it that every time I lose weight it finds me again?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking
their pictures!

Just once, when someone says "How are you?" (without really wanting
to know), I'd like to say "Well, I can't keep my teeth in, I pee on myself
every time I laugh, my hair is falling out, I cannot see where the heck
I'm going most of the time, my back hurts and I pass gas every time I sneeze
(and feel like sneezing right now)! I'll bet that'd cure 'em from asking
again!