Tell a joke :)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute. 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident there is a god, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why? What does it tell you?'

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!'

 

A man is telling his friend about his ten-thousand dollar hearing aid and the friend says,

"I don't know, that sounds like an awful lot of cash just for a hearing aid."

The man replies, "It's worth every penny. Trust me."

The friend says again, "How can a lousy hearing aid be ten grand?"

The man says, "It's the best on the market."

The friend asks, "What kind is it?"

The man says, "It's a quarter after nine!"

 

lmao!

 

I've had a filthy mouth since 2nd grade. Gonna have to pass on this thread.....

 

I'm assuming Helen Keller jokes are not allowed

 

Martian (being from the red planet) walks into a bar
barman explains "we dont serve your kind in here"
Martian states "Ill buy you a drink"
barman replies "Not interested we dont want your kind in here"
Martian tries again "Ill buy everyone in here a drink"
barman thinks OK this will teach him a better lesson than throwing him out will so says to Martian

"if you buy 2 drinks for everyone here , then your welcome to stay"

Martain agrees and barman pulls drinks for all the customers

leaving time - Barman gives Martain a bill for 286 bucks
Martian enquires "do you have change of a favalovadup?"

Steve

young lady walks into the bar and spots bearded barman
said lady runs her fingers through barmans beard and asks "Is the landlord in?"
Barman replies "No Miss"
lady continues running her fingers through his beard and enquires "Is the land lady in?"
Barman replies "No Miss and chuckles"
Lady continues to run her fingers through his beard and says "When they return can you tell them there was no soap or toilet paper in the ladies"

Steve

 

Man walks into a bar with a frog on his head...bartender asks,where did you get that? The frog replies,it started out as a wart on my butt!!!

 

a Yank a Limey and a (Select nationality of your choice here)
are taking a survival course

the instructor tells them they need to survive 1 week in the desert and they can take one thing only with them

The instructor asks the Yank "what would you take?"
the Yank replies - "Oranges as they provide liquid and food"
Instructor is happy

The instructor asks the Limey same question "what would you take?"
Limey replies " water I can survive a week without food but I need as much water as I can carry"
instructor is happy

The instructor asks the ( add your chosen national here) "what would you take?"
the ( you know the score by now) replies " a car door"
the insructor is intrigued and asks "why would you take a car door?"
our friend replies " well when it gets too hot, I would wind the window down"


Steve

 

A foursom of golfers are standing at the ninth tee,far from the clubhouse when they notice a approaching thunderstorm is getting very close.After a quick dicussion on what they should do,one of the men takes a 2iron from his bag and holds it high above his head.What are you doing ask the others? He replies,even god can't hit a 2 iron!!

 

lookalike competition in Beijing yesterday

apparently - everybody won

Steve